Friday, April 18, 2014
The hardest of times.
Looking at my beautiful rock on my finger never got old.. It was so beautiful and the fact the it meant that I was engaged to be married to my sweet Leon made it even more special.
For the past few years Leon has been praying about his career and where God wanted him. He knew one hundred percent that God has called him to ministry but until then he needed a job that would provide for me and our future family.
We spent many weeks talking and praying with our premartal counselers and Spiritual Parents and him and I spend many nights praying about it as well.. Military seemed like the best option for us finiancally since niether one of us had a college education. So that's what he went for. This was seriously one of the longest and most frusterating times of our lives. We wanted answers and we wanted them now. This process went on for almost an entire year. He first signed up to be a Marine but after a long process they didn't want to take him due to a back injury he had back when he played foot ball in High school. He then tried Army and Navy and they refused him due to that reason as well. So we kept praying and seeking after God's plan for our life. We knew He had one even when it felt like there was no hope. A door had to open. So until then Leon and I did premartial counseling with our Spiritual Parents and read many books to prepare us for marriage. One of our favorites were "The five love languages" It was so much fun getting to know each other and finding out what our love languages were.. It's definitly reccommended.
The hardest of times.
For a few months Leon was struggling with horrible mind battles. unthinkable images would come into his mind that would torture him. They weren't his thoughts but they were attacks from the devil. telling him what he thought he was and that he was going to do horrible things. Nothing seemed to help him. He couldn't sleep, or relax because the battles were so intense so he had to keep himself busy by running miles and miles listening to worship music. He would call me crying and stopping by my house to pray with me. There was no doubt that God had a plan for us. Otherwise the enemy wouldn't have tried so hard to get to Leon.
I was struggling myself.. Struggling with loneliness.. During this time a girl really needed her dad the most to encourage her through this wedding planning process but he wasn't there. He was so uninvolved and it broke my heart completely and to make matters worse a girl who was supposed to be one of my best friends got word that she wasn't going to be my maid of honor so she messaged me telling me that I was a .... blank blank blank... and that our friendship was over. All because she wasn't going to be my maid of honor. I was crushed. I felt like I had no one.. I felt lonely with the desire to be loved and I obviously wasn't receving the love from Jesus.. He unfortinately was on the back burner at this time which was a big problem.
Because of this Leon and I started to let doors open. We weren't as careful as we usually were. Our hearts weren't as focused on purity as it usually was.. We were both broken and all of a sudden we wanted a quick fix. Something that would distract us from our problems.. So we compromised. We compromised our beliefs, desires, goals, and standards. We compromised purity.
We didn't actually have sex or anything but to me there was no difference. That five minutes of distraction gave me months of regret and shame and even anger towards Leon. This was the start of a very hard trial.. Our struggles were no longer just mind battles, career security, and bad relationships but now we had to fight for purity which was much harder then we thought.
This was the start of many tears, late night prayers and fighting for our identity in Christ. We were over comers. We just didn't know it or see it then.
Come back next Friday for part 10.
New to these series?
Part one our Journey
part two He walked back into my life
part three Sale for Haiti
Part four Next stop Ocean City where all your dreams come true.. or not.
Part five is it too late?
Part 6 Jeremiah 29:11. I realized I was in love.
Part 6. He's my future husband say what?
Part 7 We're official.
Part 8 The Engagement