Pregnant with waiting for God's best.

 

My daughter is two months old now.. However I've had this post on my heart for a while now because ever since I experienced my last pregnancy with Liya I've had such a heart for pregnant moms. Especially with kids already.. 

When that clear blue pregnancy test confirmed "Pregnant" and the five ones after that made it official. I was so excited. Words couldn't even express. I was laughing, crying, daydreaming and I couldn't wait to actually show my  baby bump!

I'd sit around thinking about how small the baby is right now. I thought about how tiny her fingers and toes were. And then about a week later I remembered what pregnancy actually felt like.

I did.. I forgot what pregnancy felt like... Either that or my pregnancy with Evelynne was a walk in the park compared to my pregnancy with Liya. But considering I lost over thirty pounds puking my everything out with Evelynne.. I somehow doubt that. 

About a week after I found out I was pregnant I already started feeling tired and so sick. I wanted to know who on earth decided that eggs could be food and what were they thinking?! 

I found myself hugging the toilet several times a day. Not  washing my hair for five days and sleeping in the same clothes as long as I could because I didn't even have the energy to change or wash clothes for that matter.

Then you hit the second trimester.. You're still super tired however food went from being your worst enemy to your best friend.. And then you find yourself wanting Chick fil a, Five guys and Mexican food all in one sitting. And other then having to pee every five minutes things are going great. 

And finally the third Trimester. You're huge and you feel like a whale. At least I did. And you want to sleep all the time and you just want to be done.You're tired, wobbly, swollen, achy and that pregnancy tired brain is worse than a lack of sleep brain.

And then you finally know why you went through with pregnancy.

It is amazing how 7 pounds and 12 ounces can change your life. And how seeing that cute little beauty and holding her for the first time makes all those times of sleepless nights, uncomfortably, and all those times you couldn't even keep a cracker down worth it.

Experiencing this pregnancy while going through a season of waiting for the life and purpose God has put our family on this earth for  has helped me see pregnancy in a new light and could even relate it together.

Carrying a baby is a lot like carrying a purpose . . .It's like holding a dream. A calling and waiting for it to come to pass.

 It’s not  easy. It's painful and sometimes it makes us feel really sick to our stomachs. 

At times the load feels too heavy to carry and sometimes we can’t even see where we are going anymore thanks to the fact that we no longer can  see our feet and honestly, my sense of direction is so horrible when I'm pregnant.

However, It's during that time when we think to ourselves that we just can't make it. When the enemy tries to feed us lies telling us "All this hard work is for nothing"  And "All this will end out badly with disappointment and broken hearts" And it's when we think that we can  no longer do this, that we realize we can.

We live to fight another day, another month and months after that. God guides the way. Giving us His rest, His comfort and His strength. Our days turn into weeks.. Weeks turn into months... and before you know it our purpose grows and our labor produces harvest.

And finally we're holding that blessing. That promise. And we're finding that it was all very worth it!

I know quite a bit of you are pregnant now. And maybe some of you are carrying a burden, or waiting for the promise and the calling God has placed upon your life like my husband and I are. 

We are in the process of being released to be in full time Ministry. Yep, that means we'll be saying goodbye to the cop life and doing Ministry together as a family. We've been waiting for a while now however, I feel it in my heart that we're getting closer and closer to that time when God says "Now" and provides. 

It certainly is a pain waiting isn't? We just want it handed to us. And it feels like the pain is going to last forever. But this shall pass. Because that's what God promises.

It's not going to be easy. When you're running for the great stuff the process getting there is never a walk in the park. But it takes hard work and sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait. 

You're going to have days when you're done and you don't want to go any further and you just want to give up and stay in bed.. But you can't. You gotta fight for that blessing. You can do this because God has given you what it takes to do so. He has given you Himself and All He is.

So on days when you don't feel like you can take the pain of pregnancy/life/waiting practice confidence. Practice boldness and hold out your arms. They might feel empty today but later in God's perfect timing the seed you have sown today in your hard labor will bare much fruit and God's gonna hand you the blessing and babe, It's gonna rock your universe!

“Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning!”

Psalm 30:5

I am His Own.

God has recently revealed to my heart that I often care too much about what people think.. And Leon has mentioned millions of times about how I need to just let what people "say to me" and "about me" go in one ear and out the other. Why is this so hard for me to let go? Am I still a slave to people? I have no desire to be and yet every time someone speaks an opinion of me I receive it with both arms, dwell on it, over think about it and often cry.

Why is it so hard for me to shut my mind up and remind myself who I really am in Christ?! A warrior, a daughter, a Princess? One who's worth is far above rubies? Why is it so hard sometimes to believe that about myself? Possibly because I'm still so focused on my works and not focused of what He did to give me His identity?

Honestly, how dare I think badly of myself when Heaven went bankrupt to bring me back into the presence of my Father.

Todd White (My Spiritual hero!) Speaks so amazingly and beautifully about how we need to really know our identity in Christ. He talks often about how he is not out of his mind but out of the mind of everyone else because He really only cares about what Jesus thinks of Him. I so long to be out of the mind of everyone. To be free from that.

I'm so done with the lies of the enemy. Telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm an orphan and that I'm not loved or qualified to do the impossible. I'm  so done with the enemy convincing me that I'm not being heard,  seen, and pursued. When the truth is My Father does see me, He knows me, He hears me and above all He loves me with a love that even I can't describe. I want to know who I am in Christ and above that I want to live who I am in Christ! I don't just want to know but I want to walk with that identity following me everywhere I go so that when people see me they will want what I have. The Most amazing King.

If you have been struggling with identity like I have and you need a reminder of who you really are. I deeply encourage you to get lost into this song and claim your identity in Christ. It's time to take back what the enemy has stolen. :)

                                                                                We are fearless.

We are whole.

We are His Own.

We are no longer blind.

He set us free.

We are not orphans.

We're alive

We are all that He says we are! =D

He's the One that really matters.

       

Sitting here with my morning latte this morning with  some banana bread. I'm surrounded by the peace and quietness that takes place before the day starts. Before the rush of the day takes place when every little thing seems to matter from getting the dishes done to checking  every "to-do" off my daily planner.

This is the time of the day when I usually feel God closest.  When I feel Him surrounding me and covering me with His captivating love, His incomparable wisdom, and strength that never gives up.

Realizing that I could have so much planned today, I could be doing so much.. But truly He's the One that really matters. It's not about me. It's not about Leon (who is starting his five day vacation today!!) and sometimes as much as I believe it, it's not even about my beautiful girls. God's the One who really matters today and  yesterday, and every day after this one.

He's the One I want and desire to please.. What matters to me is what He thinks. Not the moms who  seem to know it all, and not the people who seem to have me already figured out and try to define me.

He's the One who knows my future and holds it with His loving Hands. Because of Him I know that nothing in this world. The cares, the scars, the happenings can hold me down.

He's the One that really Matters. And my continuous prayer this morning and every day after is that I will always remember His presence, His promise, His Truth, His Love, That I can do all things through Him and that no matter what happens, no matter how I'm feeling, no matter what my day seems to be going through. That everyday is a great day because He is God and He is King. The One who brings healing to the sick, salvation for the lost, a place called Heaven for all those who gave and lost their lives because they believe Jesus is forever The King, love for those who seem unlovable, hope for those who feel hopeless, strength for those who are weak, a prosperous future for those who feel like they messed up and a love that's so grand and fulfilling. He's the One that truly and deeply matters in every aspect in our lives.

Where do you store your treasures?

For the last three months or so I've had this post on my heart. But  life has been getting in the way of blogging recently and it's a rarity that I feel like blogging when I lay down.

I haven't written a post like this in a long time.. And God knows I haven't been in the word consistently for  months now. But I'm glad that doesn't stop Jesus from speaking to me and constantly opening my eyes to things that they constantly need opening up too.

Friends, For the first three months of pregnancy I was struggling with ungratefulness. I was struggling so much with what I didn't have and I didn't focus on the wonderful things I did have.

 Maybe It has to do with the emotions from pregnancy or just being an easy  target for the enemy to steal my joy because of exhaustion and not keeping up on God's word. But God is always fighting for me and has been The Word to me and reminding me of The Word when I'm way tired to read it myself.

I have been in want lately. As exciting as my life is right now with my beautiful daughter constantly making me smile, a hard working, loving husband and our new precious baby on the way I wasn't happy with where I was in life. We're still renting a townhouse after almost three years of marriage.

By now I thought Leon and I would own my dream house with all of my dream furniture and decor. And it has been hard for me to watch other moms in blogger/pinterest/instagram raising their happy children in their beautiful pinterest worthy homes and then here I am in the townhouse we're renting with old furniture. I was really in need of a heart change.

Recently I was on instagram going through a friend's page who recently had a house built for her and her family. I was so excited for her but at the same time I wanted to be in her shoes. I prayed and told Jesus I wanted what she had and as always He has the best comebacks.

"Stop focusing on improving and gaining treasures here on earth when you have treasures to be stored in Heaven".

After He spoke to me so many things in my heart came to light. I was so focused on things I wanted in my life here on earth that what I want in Heaven hasn't even crossed my mind.

 If  you were to ask me before why I wanted a big nice house with the latest trends and furniture I would have told you because I want my children to have the best...

But I see now that maybe that's not the whole case. Maybe I wanted what I thought was the best. Maybe I wanted everyone I knew to love where I lived. Maybe it's ungratefulness and maybe it's  pride as well.

Maybe I was thinking these things and desiring these things with my children's best interest at heart but what I was really giving them is a ungrateful mama. And even though I didn't realize it I was planting ungrateful seeds in their lives. By being ungrateful I was teaching my daughter to be ungrateful by telling Leon how I wasn't satisfied right in front of her.. Maybe we do teach our kids how to sin?

I'm so grateful that God has opened my eyes and I'm so glad that He continues to show me things that need to be seen in my life. I never in a million years want my kids to look back at their mama and remember me as the mom who always wanted more in her earthly kingdom but instead I want a legend that demonstrates these two verses.

  “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.-Matthew 6:19-21

 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:33

 I don't want to give my children everything here on earth and I don't want their happiness and love for me to be based on that. But instead I want to give them the things that can't be stolen, or ruined or become old. I want to plant in them the desire to seek after God's Kingdom and His Righteousness. Because treasures here on earth can only fulfill for a time but God's treasures can fulfill for eternity. And that's where our desire is.

 So my friends, I see my dream home a little differently now.. It's no longer a huge kitchen, with gorgeous furniture, and a beautiful back yard. Those things are nice but like Matthew says these things will eventually wither away and Lord knows furniture will ruin even faster with kids. But instead my dream house now is the house my Father has prepared for me and it's my favorite Home!
                      
Friends if you have been struggling like I have I deeply encourage you to soak up this song.
Remember that it's  impossible to have an ungrateful heart when your hands are lifted high.
Much love to you all!

A new year to dream bigger.

Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 23rd Birthday with my two loves.  I have been counting the days and I'm so so excited. Even better my husband has off that day, coincidence?  I like to call it a pretty awesome Birthday gift from Jesus.

I have been thinking and praying about this new year and season in my life. And I really felt the Lord lay on my heart and soul last week  that He wants me to  go after the things that will take the most faith for me to do and go for.

He told me that I don't need money or things to accomplish them but only Him and I have Him.

I'm going to be honest and say that I am a girl with so many dreams. I have so many things I want to do and accomplish and I've let fear get in the way.

Fear of my plans not turning out or not having the money, and fear of me not being ready.

But this year and the years to come I'm so done with letting the spirit of fear effect my dreams. God didn't give me the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I have such a heart to encourage. In fact  that's one of the reasons I started blogging. But I want to encourage in so many more ways then blogging. I want to do it through my music, books, and more in person.

I want to get my business officially started so that I can remain a stay at home mama for all of my children.  I'd really like to start a mommy group.   I believe that won't only benefit other children but also my girl as well and me.

But mostly. I want people to see Jesus in me to a new level.. I'm done with people only knowing that I'm a Christian because I say that I am and because I post things on facebook. I want my walk to be so much more powerful then my talk. I want God to use me to shine His light, His power and His love on His children and use me just as He used His disciples many years ago.

 This year is the year for me to be a fearless dreamer. To just go after what God has called me to do and go after my dreams.

God wants us to go after the dreams that take the most faith to do because I believe those ones are His favorite.. It's a scary journey for us (particularly me) but I think it's fun for Him because He knows what's going to happen in the end and the impact it will make. He also loves to see us wowed by His awesomeness.. We don't give Him many opportunities to show Himself and if we did I really believe all of our dreams would be fulfilled because  Jesus has plans that will prosper us and give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm ready. I'm ready to be a fearless dreamer. To be unstoppable and not  letting things and even people get in the way. I believe our dreams and passions are on our hearts for a reason. A reason that's meant to impact the world and show the Love of Jesus. God wants us to Dream big and be a fearless one that doesn't use excuses.  The enemy just won't know what to do with you then.

I'm so excited to start this new year with a mission as I turn 23. To live the rest of my life as a fearless big dreamer who accomplishes everything she does with God's help and guidance
 (Psalm 1:3)

I think it's about time I walk on some water folks. And this year is a perfect year to start.

Over coffee.

With all this crazy snow weather I thought we'd have a coffee date. Shall we?

If I were having coffee with you I'd tell you that God was doing some amazing things in my life.. I've mentioned before that Leon and I were getting an apartment in April but plans have certainly changed. At Church last Sunday The Lord told both my Mother in law and I separately  that He wanted us to stay together for one more year.. We both didn't want to hear it and in fact His words were ignored for most of the day until I just blurted out and said "Do you guys think we're actually done here?"  And that's all she wrote. We all talked and ended with happy tears.. The Lord told me that I still have so much to learn from these wonderful ladies and they still have things to learn from me and by the end of this year blessings will flow for all of us.. I don't know about you but by the end of this year I'm believing for a house! I mean why not? God wants us to dream big!

I'd also tell you that God has been leading me to start a mommy's group.. If you have been following me long enough you'd know that at the momento Leon and I are a one car family.. It has been super hard especially with an active toddler.. I've been so upset recently because I see all these moms putting their kids in gym classes and mommy and me classes and see that in reality it's just not possible for us right now with Leon working all the time. So I've decided I'd going to start my own mommy group! So excited about that. If any of you mama's, nanny's or whosoever has a great idea and name idea for a mommy group please feel free to share. I plan on starting it in April so I have one month to plan!

If I were having coffee with you that I've started the process of writing my first E-book devotional! My heart is just so full of excitement and I'm so excited to finish it for all of you to read. It's going slow at the moment because I'm learning to let go and let God. I'm learning to not rush through it just to get it done but only go to it when God gives me the inspiration to do so. I want this devotional to be His letter to you and not my letter to you.

I'd tell you how I've been thinking about the influence conference a lot lately and all the beautiful women who I'd love to meet there.. I honestly can't tell you how bad I want to go but I've also made the decision recently that I'd only go if donations were made. You see, I've made a commitment since day one into blogging that I would never put it first before my family.. Even though I have failed in that area a few times I try hard to keep to it and I feel as though if I were to take money out of our account to save for the conference I'd be stealing from Evelynne.. I want to put as much as possible away for her and her future..




If I were having coffee with you, I'd tell you how much I can't believe that the little girl walking running around my house, reading books and slowly putting words together is the same baby I sobbed over when I met her for the first time! Is her 15 month update really coming up next week??

This winter has been the craziest winter ever!! Just snow after snow after snow and then we get rain after rain after rain and then ice! It's been a hard winter folks but a plus side is I get to watch my man shovel the the driveway! He's sooo cute when he works.

This is what I would tell you if I had the pleasure of having coffee with you this morning. 
What would you tell me?